Control.

I really do not know where to begin. 

I am starting this blog because I really need a place where I can come and vent and truly be myself.

Sometimes I get caught up in the hustle and bustle of the day and I begin to turn into what I hate the most. 

I can honestly say that I am a control freak.

It has taken me so long to openly and even internally admit that to myself and others. It is something I struggle with every day. 

I have said many times that I recognize my problem and I really am trying to work on it but being honest with myself and now you, I have not tried my very hardest. I like to be in control. It is comforting. It is where I feel the most free but bound at the same time. It is a sick web of trouble that I constantly find myself in. I know that God's plan for me does not involve me being in control but I am having a hard time letting go. I am so bound by worry because I am always thinking about how to control something or someone.

I ask myself sometimes, why am I so afraid of letting go? Why can I not trust God and be fine with it.

Jesus said, "He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it" (Matt.10:39). Our flesh is terrified of letting go of control and completely trusting Jesus, while our spirit man doesn't have that problem for he puts his trust in the Lord.

The best things is, God loves us so much that he does not control us. He guides us. 

Control is defined as the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command.

Guidance is defined as the act or function of guiding; leadership; direction; advice or counseling; supervised care or assistance.

His love for us is so powerful but he does not control us. He shows his love for us through guidance. 

If we are supposed to be Christ like then why are we so concerned about control? I ask myself this many times a week, even a day.

I recently was confronted about my issue of always having to be in control. A friend of mine told me that if I was truly working on changing my control issues I would have external results. I was so upset and even tried reasoning with myself that it was none of her business to get involved and who did she think she was to tell me that and she did not understand. In all reality I was in denial. 

I hate how hard it can be sometimes just to get to the bottom of a real issue. It can hurt hearing it from friends but many times God uses friends and family members to help get it across to you. 

I am slowly trying my hardest now to step back, and let go of control and let God guide me. Accountability truly helps and I have the best friend in the world helping me with this. 

It is possible and I must daily tell myself and walk out what I believe and confess.

God is guiding my every step and each and every step is ordained by Him. 

I will trust in the Lord always for I know that he will bring it to pass.